


Over the Edge

by JustACuteWriteyLesbian



Series: Days to Come [5]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Catra is not okay again, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, F/F, Fluff and Angst, It's sweet and fun and then really really dark, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, lots of emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26298169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustACuteWriteyLesbian/pseuds/JustACuteWriteyLesbian
Summary: “Catra?” Adora called softly. Catra did not respond. “Catra…” she tried again, taking a few steps forward. A cold breeze blew over the balcony, rustling Catra’s hair, and Adora shivered. “Catra, it’s cold out here. Come back to bed.” she pleaded.Catra’s ear twitched and she leaned her head back slightly, as if she were listening for something she had heard from far off. She suddenly slid forward, her feet catching the small ledge on the other side of the balcony wall, one hand loosely holding on to the railing. Adora did not have time to react other than letting out a loud gasp at the sight of Catra teetering so close to the edge.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: Days to Come [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877680
Comments: 9
Kudos: 227





	Over the Edge

**Author's Note:**

> TW for drugs and suicide attempt

“Ooooh! Look at this one!” Adora exclaimed, holding up a small figurine of a... well she actually had no idea what it was. It was a horse-like creature but with six legs instead of four, a fluffy mane encircled its face and neck, and the tail reminded her more of Melog’s. The material from which it was carved was greenish-blue and iridescent; that was mostly what had caught Adora’s attention.

“Adora, I don’t think all of this stuff is going to fit in the room.” Catra chuckled from behind another crate full of alien artifacts. Melog mewed happily sniffing about the contents of what appeared to be a box of alien foods. They were in a large storage room in Brightmoon, surrounded by stacks and stacks of crates containing a variety of things from different planets across the universe. They were gifts; tokens of appreciation from alien worlds that had heard She-Ra was the one to thank for their liberation from Horde Prime’s tyranny. There were small statues like the one Adora still had in her hand, along with other things like foreign flora, fabrics, and foods. There were some bits of strange tech and many, many loose pieces of paper written in languages Adora could not read. Starla had informed them that they were thank you notes addressed to She-Ra.

A few weeks after the final battle, Entrapta had contacted Brightmoon with news that she had gotten in touch with the Star Siblings. They had been very busy fanning the flames of intergalactic rebellion inspired by She-Ra. Apparently, most of the remnant clones around the universe had taken to their ships and left, just like on Etheria. No one knew where they went. Any factions that remained to try and retain control of Prime’s conquered territories were quickly dispatched by local militias on the now sovereign worlds. After the fall of Prime, the Star Siblings had returned to their home planet to rebuild. They had, however, promised to visit Etheria when they had the chance and after a few months, they had made good on that promise. And they came bearing gifts.

“Oooohh, what does _this_ one do?” Catra heard Entrapta ask a little too excitedly from behind another crate. She turned and saw her fiddling with a small bit of tech and was suddenly reminded that Entrapta had a slight tendency to… blow things up.

“Entrapta, maybe don’t – “ But it was too late, Entrapta had already pressed the single small button on the round disk-like device. A hologram appeared from it, of a family it looked like, two taller alien figures and two smaller ones, huddled together and smiling brightly. They spoke in a language none of them understood but the tone of the message was warm and cheerful. After a moment, the small holographic figures waved and disappeared.

“Fascinating!” Entrapta exclaimed. “Hmm, I should see about coding Darla’s universal translation matrix into portable devices. Oh! And configuring it to scan text…” She continued to ramble about alien languages and _science!_ under her breath but Catra had stopped listening. She shook her head and walked over to Adora who was rifling through another crate of clothes and candles and other knickknacks. Catra’s tail grazed affectionately against her leg as she stood at her side, watching her work.

“Find anything cool?” she asked.

“Yeah, like, everything!” Adora said excitedly.

As her hands worked to dig through the assortment of exotic trinkets, Catra’s nose suddenly caught a whiff of something… _good._

“What _is_ that?” Catra asked leaning over the crate to search for the source of the enticing aroma.

“What’s what?” Adora asked distractedly, raising what looked like a hand-embroidered quilt out of the box to look at it.

“Can’t you smell that?” Catra asked leaning her nose further into the crate.

“I don’t smell anything.” Adora said distractedly, tracing the outline of the figures sewn into the quilt.

Something in her tone snapped Catra out of her fixation.

“Hey, is there… something bothering you?” she asked, cocking one eyebrow.

Adora looked at her with a bit of surprise before smiling at her sheepishly and turning her gaze back to the quilt in her hands. “No, I mean… It feels good, y’know? All these people… She-Ra made a difference in their lives.” She turned and looked into Catra’s eyes. “ _We_ made a difference in their lives.”

Catra returned her small smile. “But?” she pressed.

Adora let out a sound that was half chuckle, half sigh. “But… I don’t know, it… it just makes me want to… _be out there_.” she answered as she gingerly dropped the quilt back into the crate.

Catra knew what she meant. Though the Star Siblings had only stayed on Etheria for a few days, they had filled Adora’s head with epic tales of strange and wonderous worlds just waiting for them. The BFS had opted to postpone their intergalactic road trip until things in Etheria were stable and Entrapta had made all the necessary modifications to Darla for a prolonged journey. It was taking… longer than Adora had hoped. Catra gently took her hand, entwining their fingers.

Adora shot her a warm smile and continued, “I just want to… I want to meet these people; I want to see their worlds. I want to bring them magic! I want to…” she trailed off for a moment, looking up at Catra intensely before smiling at her with her dopey, gorgeous smile. “I want to do it all with you.”

Catra felt her cheeks heat up and her heart flutter at that. Maybe in a past life, she would have responded with sarcasm and wit, but the tenderness in Adora’s voice diffused all of that. She returned Adora’s loving smile and simply said, “That sounds perfect.”

Their moment was interrupted by the familiar sound of Glimmer teleporting into the room. The queen took a quick look around before her eyes found Adora. “There you are! Mermista just called! They’re ready to put the sea gate back up! We just need She-Ra to do her… you know, magic thing!”

“That’s great!” Adora exclaimed. “Oh, uh…” She looked at Catra.

After they had returned to Brightmoon, the princesses had had many meetings to discuss the plan going forward. The reconstruction of Sileneas was at the top of the list and when asked for volunteers, Catra’s hand was the first to shoot up. After a… tense conversation with Mermista, it became clear that Catra was not welcome in Sileneas. Not yet. Even so, Catra had made it a point to help the reconstruction efforts in any way she could from Brightmoon. She had busied herself with requisitioning supplies and materials, bringing in engineers and builders from the Fright Zone refugees, and generally making sure that everything was running smoothly. She’d be damned if she weren’t going to do everything she could to make up for what she had done, with or without Mermista’s approval. Perhaps in time they would be able to move past the whole _Catra leading the attack that razed an entire kingdom_ thing but today was… not that day.

“Are you… I mean will you be – “ Adora started shyly, but Catra cut her off with a lighthearted chuckle.

“Adora, I’m not so needy that I’ll die without you for a few hours.” She said giving Adora’s hand a small squeeze.

“You sure?”

“Adora, _yes_. You’re doing that thing we talked about. That thing where you feel guilty if you can’t be everywhere doing everything for everyone. Besides, someone’s gotta make sure this one doesn’t blow a hole in the castle.” She said amiably, gesturing toward Entrapta. Adora still looked at her with lingering guilt in her eyes. “Hey,” she said in a much softer tone, reaching out and taking both of Adora’s hands in her own. “I’ll be here when you get back. Go be a hero.” Melog punctuated her words with an affectionate rub against Adora’s legs.

Adora smiled warmly and leaned in to plant a soft kiss on her cheek. “Okay. I won’t be long.” She assured before releasing Catra’s hand and stepping toward Glimmer. The young queen smiled and waved at Catra before the two of them disappeared.

The sun was setting before they made it back to Brightmoon. It turned out that the sea gate was more First Ones tech than magic, and without the original infrastructure and the First Ones tech of She-Ra’s sword, they hadn’t been able to figure out how to put the gate back as it had been. They decided that putting the gate back up was more a ceremonious gesture anyway, not strictly necessary now that the war was over, and Mermista had decreed that the gate would remain open and ships would be able to come and go freely in the spirit of peace and cooperation. There was, of course, a tremendous party afterward and She-Ra was required to make an appearance, as mandated by Mermista. There was cake and dancing, and more than a few shanties led by Sea Hawk. Much of Sileneas still lay in ruins, but they were making progress. They deserved a celebration.

Despite the festivities, Adora was still eager to return home. She and Catra had spent very little time apart since the war ended, and she worried. She tried not to feel guilty that she was enjoying the party without her. Or maybe she would have just preferred to enjoy the party _with_ her. In any case, by the time the sun was setting, Adora caught Glimmer and Bow and the OG BFS returned home. But before they left, Mermista had made a point to catch Adora and ask her to pass on thanks to Catra for “Y’know, the supplies and the builders or whatever.” Adora knew Catra would be elated (and unbearably smug) to hear it.

“Catra!” Adora called, wandering the halls of Brightmoon castle searching for her. She had not been in their room, or the room Glimmer had set up for her (which got very little use nowadays). Nor had she been in the kitchen, the dining room, the library, the gardens, or even at the top of the highest spire that Adora knew she liked to climb when she wanted to be alone. Adora was running out of places to look and began to feel a familiar anxiety squeeze her chest before Melog appeared beside her, brushing its face contentedly against her legs.

“Oh! Melog! Hey there, bud.” She said with a small chuckle, scratching them softly behind the ears. “Hey, you know where Catra is?” she asked.

Melog mewed at her before trotting down the hallway and Adora eagerly followed. As they turned a corner, Adora suddenly realized where they must be going and she whapped herself on the forehead with an “Oh, duh!” as they approached the same large storage room where she had left Catra earlier that day. _Catra must still be going through the stuff,_ she thought. _Or just babysitting Entrapta._

As they approached, Adora heard the familiar and wonderful sound of Catra’s joyous laughter. She smiled to herself as she pushed open the large double doors. She was surprised to be greeted by a spicy sweet aroma and through the light smoke wafting through the room, she could see Catra lazing on her back on one of the crates, her head dangling carelessly over the side. Entrapta was perched next to her, chattering excitedly about something science-y and Catra was giggling with gusto.

Melog ran over and plopped its head right on top of Catra’s stomach and Catra let out an excited, “Hey buddy!” She sat up quickly, wobbling a bit as she did so, and began to rub Melog’s belly. “Aw, you’re so good aren’t you? When did you get so _soft_? Awww, you’re my good little buddy aren’t you? Yes, you are!” She said in a baby-ish voice. Adora had never heard her talk to Melog like that. She had never heard Catra talk to anyone like that.

“Uhm, what did I miss?” Adora asked, more than a little confused.

Catra’s eyes darted to her. “Adora!” she said excitedly. Adora could see from across the room that her pupils were round and dilated. Catra smiled broadly at her and leapt off the crate, rushing toward her. Before Adora could say anything, Catra caught her in an enthusiastic kiss, wrapping her arms around Adora’s neck. Adora quickly conceded, placing her hands gingerly on Catra’s hips. It was a long moment before Catra let her go. “I missed you.” She said smiling sweetly and rubbing her nose against Adora’s.

Adora _pshh’d_ at her. “I missed you, too. Are you okay?”

Catra laughed and Adora felt herself relax just a little. “Adora, I’ve literally never felt better. Did you get more… colorful? Look at you! You are so beautiful! How can a face so dumb be so _gorgeous_?” Catra said jovially, squeezing Adora’s cheeks between her palms.

“Okay, who are you and what have you done with Catra?” Adora asked, half-jokingly and half wildly concerned. Something was clearly off. She faintly heard Entrapta mutter something into her recorder that sounded rather like _subject appears to be exhibiting heightened affection._ Adora mentally prepared herself to have a serious talk with Entrapta about using her friends as guinea pigs.

Catra laughed again and the sound which normally filled Adora with warmth, now began to fill her with growing apprehension. “I’m just happy to see you, dummy! Wow, your face is really soft. And you smell…” Catra leaned her head into the crook of Adora’s neck, gingerly digging her claws into Adora’s hair, and inhaled deeply. “… _good._ ”

“Okay, Entrapta, what is this? What is going on?” Adora demanded, holding Catra close to her, suddenly feeling protective.

Entrapta finally looked up from her data pad. “Oh! You must be talking about Catra’s strange behavior. Catra found some sort of plant matter in one of the crates. I cross-referenced Prime’s database with Darla’s and found that it comes from a world inhabited by a race of people that share many of the same anatomical aspects as Catra. They burn the plant as an incense in certain ceremonies and celebrations. The smell is supposed to have a soothing and euphoric effect specific to the indigenous people, but Catra _insisted_ we try it out anyway. And look! It worked!”

That explained the smell and the traces of smoke in the air. “Entrapta you can’t just – okay – wait, are you feeling like this too? Catra – stop it!” Catra had begun nibbling gently on Adora’s earlobe. It was very distracting. Adora pulled her face away from Catra’s probing teeth and Catra nestled her head onto Adora’s shoulder, purring loudly.

“Oh, no.” Entrapta responded. “It only works on people and even animals of a certain anatomy. You and I wouldn’t feel anything. But Catra is apparently genetically close enough to the people of that planet to feel its effects! Although…” Entrapta trailed off.

“Although? Although wha – aaaHHHH, Catra!” Adora had to bat Catra away once again as her lips had started wandering over Adora’s neck, planting soft kisses there, and eventually gliding her tongue over Adora’s skin.

“Well,” Entrapta continued, unfazed by Catra’s shameless displays of affection. “The effects are supposed to be mild. Catra might be experiencing a _bit_ of an extreme reaction.”

“Uh yeah, you think?” Adora said indignantly, holding Catra tighter. “What does that mean? Is she okay?”

“Oh, don’t worry! It’s completely non-toxic. At least to the native species of the planet. Which Catra is not. But I’ve run tests! Her vital signs are within a safe range. The effects should only last a few hours. She should be able to sleep it off. Although…”

Adora was not sure how much more of Entrapta trailing off like this she could take.

“Although _what?_ ” Adora demanded.

“Well, my readings indicate that on a macro physical level, she’s perfectly fine. But the flood of neurotransmitters in her brain right now might have adverse emotional effects later. But that should also be temporary.” Entrapta explained.

“What does that mean? What sort of effects?” Adora asked.

“Well, she’ll probably just be extra gloomy and cranky tomorrow.” Entrapta clarified.

“Mmmm, I love you so much.” Catra whispered into Adora’s neck, her breath tickling Adora’s skin.

“Okay, I’m taking you to bed.” Adora said firmly.

Catra dug her claws lightly into Adora’s shirt and nuzzled deeper into her neck. “Hmm, anything you want.” She said with a sultry edge in her voice.

“For sleep.” Adora asserted, blushing slightly.

“Aww, but Adora,” Catra whined. She leaned into Adora’s ear and whispered something that made a furious blush blossom over Adora’s cheeks.

“Ooookay, yep, come on.” Adora said, her breath hitched in her throat. She took Catra by the hand and led her out of the room, Catra cackling as she obediently followed.

“Good bye! I’ll come check on her in the morning! Don’t forget to tell me everything!” Entrapta called after them. Melog mewled what Adora assumed was a farewell and contentedly curled up in Entrapta’s lap.

It was properly dark outside by this point and the castle was quiet. Adora led the stumbling Catra through the wide hallways and up a few staircases toward their room. Catra was easily distracted, her eyes wandering from the soft light emitted by the crystal lanterns which illuminated their path to the colorful mosaics and tapestries which lined the walls, but always settled back on Adora’s face.

“You’re so _beautiful_. How are you so beautiful?” Catra asked, curling her tail around Adora’s waist.

Adora smiled weakly at her. “Years of practice.”

“Are you… mad?” Catra said, catching the strain in Adora’s voice.

“What? No. I’m just worried about you.” Adora replied, squeezing Catra’s hand.

“You’re mad. Adora, I’m fine. I’m more than fine. I’ve never felt this good.” Catra stated, stepping in front of her with a reassuring smile that just unnerved Adora all the more.

“I still think you should try to rest. Catra, we don’t know what this is doing to you. I just want to make sure you’ll be okay.” Adora answered resolutely.

“Ugh, you’re no fun.” Catra whined as Adora put a hand around her shoulder and continued to guide her down the hallway.

As they passed the gardens, Catra ducked out of Adora’s grasp and ran giggling into the moonlit greenery, looking back once to shoot her a sly grin. “Catra, hey! Catra!” Adora shouted running after her. By the time she had run down the steps, Catra had disappeared into the darkness. Adora stepped toward the large fountain in front of her and looked frantically around at the numerous large flower bushes that lined the garden walls. “Catra! CATRA!” she called in frustration. Though she was listening intently, she failed to pick up on the silent footsteps approaching from behind her and suddenly felt one clawed hand grasp the elastic band which held her hair back and pull it out. Adora spun around and Catra tackled her, pushing her over into the soft grass, her newly liberated blond locks pooling around her shoulders. Adora let out a soft _oof!_ and glanced up at Catra’s mismatched eyes right above her own. Catra’s pupils were still large and round; they reflected the starlight that faintly illuminated the darkness around them.

“Hey, Adora.” Catra said softly, staring back into Adora’s steely blues.

“Catra…” Adora started warily but Catra leaned closer, brushing their noses together and closing her eyes. Adora felt her heart begin to race. She slowly closed her own eyes and lifted her head, meeting Catra’s lips in a gentle kiss. Adora felt her body begin to relax, Catra’s delicate touch easing the tension building in her. Her hands reached around Catra's waist, and then slid up her back, holding her close. After a long moment, Catra pulled away, inhaling deeply.

“You smell like…” she said, leaning closer and trailing her nose down Adora’s jawline. “Home.”

Adora’s heart fluttered. Catra began to trail soft kisses down her cheek, to her neck, all the way to her collarbone. “Catra…” she breathed, the beginnings of a protest building behind her tongue. Catra was having none of it. Adora gasped and then groaned as Catra bit gently into her neck. She reached one hand down to the hem of Adora’s shirt, easing her fingers under it and gliding them over the hot skin underneath. Adora’s heart beat faster and her needy hands clutched at the fabric around Catra's back.

Physical affection with Catra had been touch and go since returning to Brightmoon. There were still days when Catra would not let anyone touch her at all. Though they had vaulted all of those physical and emotional barriers together over the past few months, it was still rare for Catra to be this forward. In some ways, it reminded Adora of a time when Catra felt comfortable showing her affection with casual touches, before… everything. And in other ways, it felt completely new. It was… exciting. She felt herself giving in, all objections lost between Catra’s hungry lips and wandering hands. She raised one hand up Catra’s back to her head, threading her fingers through the soft, short hair there. Catra lifted her head slightly, met Adora’s eyes, and smiled. Checkmate. She leaned down and her lips met Adora’s in another tender, heavy kiss. Then her hand trailed further downward and began to undo the clasp of Adora’s belt.

“Catra, wait.” Adora said breathily. “You know there _are_ still guards patrolling.”

“Makes it more exciting” Catra purred, her breath tickling Adora’s ear.

“Someone will hear.” Adora tried again feebly.

“Then try not to scream this time.”

Catra’s hand slid lower, over the offending fabric of Adora’s pants, and Adora’s responsible side suddenly decided to make a reappearance. “Catra, wait!” She clutched Catra’s body and flipped them over, trapping Catra’s roaming hands under her own, pinning her.

Catra struggled weakly but Adora held fast. She looked up at Adora’s determined gaze with surprise and then… hurt. “Sorry…” she murmured. “I didn’t… I mean, I thought…”

“Hey, hey it’s okay.” Adora was quick to reassure her, not wanting to backtrack on the progress they had made regarding Catra and touching. She laughed, a strained, nervous sound, and Catra’s hurt morphed into confusion.

“I just… You are _so_ – just… not here.”

The bewilderment in Catra’s still dilated eyes quickly abated and she smiled. “Since when are you so shy?” she asked teasingly.

“Pft, you’ve always been the shameless one.” Adora shot back matching Catra’s playful smirk. She stood and helped Catra to her feet. “C’mon, let me take you back to the room.”

“Uuugh, fine.” Catra groaned, grazing her tail lightly down Adora’s leg. She then fell limp into Adora’s arms, nearly sending them toppling to the ground again. “Carry me.” she pouted.

Adora fixed her with a wicked grin and Catra suddenly began to have regrets. “You asked for it.” With the hand that was not supporting Catra, she materialized her sword and shouted the magic words. Catra watched startled, as Adora’s form grew beneath her and suddenly she found herself held in She-Ra’s strong arms. Adora smirked down at her and Catra scoffed.

“Well someone’s _definitely_ going to notice us now.”

Adora laughed and swiftly lifted her up into the air, eliciting a sharp squeal from Catra. She held Catra so that they were face to face, Catra’s legs around her waist, one of Adora’s hands behind her back and one supporting her underneath. Catra stared at her, her expression shifting from surprise to awe to something much softer. Adora looked back at her with a similar expression.

“Wow you’re… really bright.” Catra finally said with a soft chuckle. “I mean like, I don’t think I’ve ever noticed all the… _colors_. Like I can _see_ the magic just radiating off you. It’s… pretty weird.”

Adora laughed heartily. “That’s just the weird space plant talking.” She said, noting Catra’s enlarged pupils.

Catra smirked. “You sure? I dunno, maybe you should bring She-Ra out again when I’m not all hopped up on space plants. Like, let me get a real good look. Up close.” She said, the suggestive tone returning to her voice. Her hand wandered up Adora’s muscular arm to her neck and up further to her radiant face. Adora held her slightly tighter and met her gaze through lidded eyes. Catra slowly closed the distance between them and their lips met in the gentlest kiss. After a moment she pulled away and rested her head on Adora’s shoulder, purring softly. Adora held her tight and began walking up the garden steps back into the castle, nodding at the confused guards in the hallway who were, in fact, making their rounds.

By the time they arrived at their room, Catra’s purr had quieted and her body was so relaxed that Adora thought she may have fallen asleep. But as she opened and closed the door and gently lay Catra down on the bed, she found Catra staring up at her with something so compelling that she felt her breath hitch in her throat. The love and adoration and _desire_ in Catra’s eyes made her heart pound and her face flush. She exhaled shakily and her form shimmered and shrunk down to her regular size, making the distance between them that much smaller.

She was on top of Catra, her hands still gently holding onto her sides, and as She-Ra vanished, she could feel their stomachs touch. Her long blond hair was still loose and strands of it cascaded down around both their faces. Adora paused, breathless, and gave herself a moment to simply take in the girl lying beneath her. _You’re so beautiful,_ she thought. Catra smiled and Adora realized she had said it out loud, no more than a whisper. Catra’s soft smile brought down all of her walls. She leaned down and captured Catra’s lips in a desperate, searing kiss.

Adora awoke to a heavy weight on top of her and urgent mewing in her face. “Melog,” she said groggily. She noted that it was still dark outside and there was a chill from the night air blowing in from the balcony. “What’s wrong?” She looked to her side, to the empty bed next to her, and felt her pulse quicken. “Where’s Catra?”

Melog mewed again and jumped off of her, scampering out to the balcony. Adora hastily threw on her pants and a shirt before following. She spotted Catra sitting on the railing, her hand tightly clutching the ledge, staring up at the night sky. It wasn’t abnormal to find her like this. Catra had terrible nightmares, that wasn’t a secret. She found it difficult to sleep again after and Adora would often wake up noticing Catra was not beside her and find her sitting out here. It hadn’t happened for a few weeks though; they had talked about it and now Catra would more often wake Adora, and Adora would hold her and coax her back to sleep. They always talked about it in the morning, or right then if Catra felt like that was what she needed. This felt different. Something was wrong. Adora swallowed the dread creeping up into her chest and approached cautiously. Melog went over to Catra and rested its front paws on the ledge, nudging her gently. She did not move.

“Catra?” Adora called softly, standing a few meters back. Catra did not respond. “Catra…” she tried again, taking a few steps forward. A cold breeze blew over the balcony and Adora shivered. She looked at Catra with concern. She was only wearing her cropped red sleep shirt and a pair of black shorts that covered just the very top of her thighs. “Catra, it’s cold out here. Come back to bed.” she pleaded.

Catra’s ear twitched and she leaned her head back slightly, as if she were listening for something she had heard from far off. She suddenly slid forward, her feet catching the small ledge on the other side of the balcony wall, one hand loosely holding on to the railing. Adora did not have time to react other than letting out a loud gasp at the sight of Catra teetering so close to the edge.

“Catra, what… what are you doing?” she asked, fear and confusion leaking plainly into her voice. Catra remained still and silent. A chill wind picked up, whipping through her short hair while Melog urgently mewed at her, its front paws still perched on the ledge beside her. Adora took a few more cautious steps forward. “Catra, whatever’s wrong, we can work through it. I’m here. Just… please…” She reached out a shaking hand, frightened tears welling in her eyes.

Catra did not look at her. She looked down at the vast empty space below her and then above her.

“It hurts.” She whispered so softly Adora was not sure she heard.

“What hurts?” Adora asked, notes of desperation tinging her voice.

Catra did not respond, she just reached a hand up to her chest and clutched the fabric there.

“Catra please,” Adora begged. “Please say something. You have to talk to me. We can fix this.”

Catra shook her head and paused for a long, terrible moment. Everything went very still. Adora watched as a dark shade of grey swirled violently in Melog’s mane before saturating it completely. Melog roared like it was in pain, then dropped to the balcony floor and curled in a tight ball, its body trembling as if it were suddenly freezing. Adora gasped and gaped. She had never seen Melog like that. A cold tendril of terror gripped her heart as she turned her attention back to Catra. 

“Did you have a dream?” Adora asked, inching closer. She was nearly close enough to reach out and grab her. “We can talk about it. Please, Catra… talk to me.”

“No dreams.” Catra finally said. “Just… nothing.” She chuckled darkly, the same strained sound that Adora had heard before… before Catra had fallen off the edge of the platform in Prime’s ship. A new wave of dread flooded over her at the still-fresh memory. Catra continued, “I forgot what it was like. I felt…” She clutched her chest tighter. “Y’know, for just a second, I felt… so good. And then… and then I woke up. And I was right back–" Adora saw her claws leave marks in the railing as she gripped it. “And it hurts, _all the time,_ everything _hurts._ But it was so… peaceful, the nothing. And I thought… I thought… I _want_ that.”

Adora didn’t know what to say. She stood there helpless and then watched in horror as Catra’s hand slid off of the railing and she leaned forward.

“CATRA, _NO!_ ” Adora cried as she leapt toward her, catching Catra’s hand, her feet still holding her weakly to the edge, her other hand falling limply, reaching out to the void below her. She turned then and looked at Adora, her eyes filled with… nothing. No emotion at all, and yet something so deep that Adora was sure she was not meant to see it, not meant to understand. She looked so… _tired_. Adora clutched desperately onto Catra’s hand with both of hers as Catra stared at her.

“Why can’t you just let me go?” Catra said in barely a whisper.

Adora felt tears burning her eyes and anger began to claw an ugly path up her chest and throat. She let it out in a furious yell as she pulled Catra in, clutching her shirt tightly, and throwing her back over the railing and onto the cold floor, falling on top of her. Adora looked down at Catra’s dead eyes and blank expression. Tears spilled from her own eyes and one fell from her face, landing on Catra’s cheek. “What are you… why would you – “ Adora stuttered, choking on a sob. Catra still did not respond. Adora felt another hot flare of anger and cried out, raising her hand in a fist. She brought it back down hard on the tile next to Catra’s face. Even that did not elicit a response from her. Adora sobbed in earnest then, her anger giving way to fear and hurt. She held Catra tightly and sobbed into her shoulder. “Catra, why… I don’t… _why?”_ she choked between sobs. Catra did not answer.

After a moment, she sat up and looked at Catra who stared back at her with the same comatose expression, though tears had welled in her eyes and were leaking down her cheeks. Adora did not know what to do. She was at a loss. Normally Catra’s episodes were violent or angry or full of tears. That she could handle, but this… She couldn’t do this; she couldn’t handle this by herself. And she suddenly realized she didn’t have to.

She held Catra in a tight hug for a moment, steeling herself, assuring herself that Catra was here, safely in her arms. Then she stood, pulling Catra’s limp body off of the floor. She wrapped one hand around Catra’s back and one under her legs and carried her out the door and down the hall. She opened Glimmer’s door with difficulty, not bothering to knock, and stepped inside. She was greeted by Bow’s tired voice, “Adora?” Good, he was here too. In the darkness she saw Glimmer sit up from the bed that was (thankfully) now on the ground since Bow had made a habit of keeping the queen company at night. Glimmer echoed Bow’s concern. “Adora? What’s wrong?”

Adora stopped at the foot of the bed, tears streaming down her face, obviously distraught. She did not know what to say, how to explain what had just happened. She clutched Catra's motionless form tighter. Her friends got up from the bed, and she focused on Glimmer’s flowing lavender nightgown and Bow’s pajama pants, which were white with gold trim and covered with little hearts. Another pained sob escaped her before she finally said, “Help.”

Catra awoke to bright morning light which danced across her face. She wearily cracked open her eyes. Above her was a sort of chandelier made of large crystals that refracted the light across the room and spotted it with small prismatic rainbows. _This isn’t my room,_ she thought. She flexed her fingers feeling the soft sheets and plush blanket which covered her. _This isn’t my bed._

Catra tilted her head to the side and saw Adora sitting on the bed next to her, staring out the window on the far wall. The sides of her lips tugged upward in a small smile and she hoarsely whispered a soft, “Hey, Adora.”

Adora whipped her head around and looked at her. She looked exhausted, dark bags coloring the skin underneath her eyes. “You’re awake. How… how do you feel?”

“Like I just slept for three days.” Catra said groggily, looking lazily around the room, trying to get her bearings.

“Just one day. You slept all day yesterday and through the night.” Adora responded.

“What? Really?” Catra asked, confused. She propped herself on her elbows and her eyes wandered from the clothes in the open wardrobe to the pillows and stuffed animals on the window seat to the tiny figurine of Glimmer on the nightstand. She recognized this décor. “Why are we in Glimmer’s room?”

“Do you… do you remember what happened?” Adora asked cautiously.

Catra suddenly did. It came flooding back to her all at once, the night before (or night before that?). How she had felt so good and woke up feeling worse than she had felt in months. How she had found herself back in the depths of the dark place, a place she had never wanted to visit again. How she had been so desperate to stop the hopelessness boiling over in her chest, how she had so casually leaned over the edge… she sat up straight, eyes wide, and raised a hand to her head, her fingers threading through her own short locks. _I did that,_ she thought. She did not understand how she had found herself there again. It must have been that damned plant. Entrapta had said that she might feel worse when it wore off. If she had known what that meant...

She looked up at Adora, her eyes filled with remorse. “Adora, I…” she trailed off. She didn’t know what to say.

Adora just looked at her with her sad, tired eyes. “Why?” she asked weakly.

“I… I don’t know, I just… I felt… Adora, I’m sorry.”

Adora took a long breath. “Do you… still feel like that? Like you want to…” Adora could not bring herself to finish the thought.

“ _No!_ ” Catra cried emphatically. “No, Adora, I… I love you, I’m – I’ve been…”

Adora regarded Catra for a moment. Her expression was uncharacteristically difficult to read. She finally reached out and took Catra’s hand gently. “We need to talk about this. I need to know if you’re feeling this way so I can… Catra, this can’t happen again. I can’t…” Her voice cracked and brand-new tears welled up in her eyes.

“It won’t happen again.” Catra quickly assured her. “I was… It was that incense, it wasn’t – that wasn’t – Adora, that wasn’t me. I’m trying so hard to get better and I _have_ been doing better and… and I still…” Catra sighed. “I still feel bad sometimes. Like, really bad. But not like... not like that, that was… I haven’t felt like that since we’ve been… And I’ve been working through it. It’s getting so much better, I don’t… I don’t know what happened.”

Adora seemed to accept her assurance and she finally closed the distance between them, locking Catra in a tight embrace. Catra could feel her tears in the thin fur on her shoulder as Adora held her and cried. “I can’t lose you again, Catra.” she said softly. “I can’t…” She grasped tightly onto the fabric over Catra’s back.

“You won’t.” Catra promised, holding her back just as tightly.

They stayed like that for a long time. Catra waited patiently, relishing the feeling of holding Adora in her arms, until Adora ran out of tears. It took a while and Catra had a feeling she had been saving those tears all night for this moment. Finally, Adora pulled back, sniffling lightly.

“Did you… I mean, have you felt like that before? Did you ever think about…?” Once again, Adora could not bring herself to finish that dreadful thought.

Catra hesitated before answering. Her expression became thoughtful, and then sad. “Yes.”

Adora took both of Catra’s hands and held them tightly. She looked at Catra with those determined, steely blue eyes and simply said, “Tell me.”

Catra paused for a moment, averting her gaze, and then sighed. “Things got… really bad for me, Adora. Before you… before you came back for me. There were a few times when I had just… given up. When Glimmer came for me in the Fright Zone when she activated the Heart. I thought I was ready. After I got her off of Prime’s ship… I thought Prime was just going to kill me. I was ready for that, I thought… I thought I wanted that. And then what he did was so much worse and… and then at the Heart. For a second there, I thought neither of us were going to come back and I thought maybe that would be okay. But then we did come back. And you came back for me and…” Catra trailed off, composing her thoughts, not quite sure where she was going with this. It wasn’t something she had said out loud before and it felt… good, to get it out. It made it less… frightening.

“Adora, I’m sorry. For making you pull me back over that edge. Again.” She said, speaking both literally and metaphorically.

Adora smiled at her sadly. “I will always pull you back over that edge.” Her smile faded. “But Catra, what happened the other night… I can’t… I can’t do that again, that was… it was too much.”

Catra’s ears went flat and she looked down at their still clasped hands. “I know.” She rubbed a finger over the back of Adora’s hand, reveling in the touch, in the tangible evidence that Adora was still here with her. She knew what Adora was feeling. She remembered with clarity that moment at the Heart when she was the one pulling Adora back from the edge.

Maybe there would come a time in their lives when they wouldn’t have to ask each other to say what they were feeling. Maybe there would be a day when all this emotional honesty nonsense came naturally to them and they would just say what they needed to say. And was there really any reason, Catra mused, that that day couldn’t be today? _Tell her,_ Catra found herself thinking with surprise.

“When we were at the Heart,” she started. “I thought we were all going to die. And that was okay. But there was a moment when I thought I was going to have to watch you die in my arms. And that’s what really scared me, Adora. The thought of… of having to exist here without you, even just for a second. I couldn’t…” Catra closed her eyes and squeezed Adora’s hands. “I guess what I’m trying to say is I know what it’s like. And Adora, I swear, I will _never_ put you through that again. I love you more than anything and I want to be here with you. Always.”

The tears in Adora’s eyes that were building as Catra spoke spilled over and she reached up with both hands and ran her fingers through the soft fur on Catra’s cheeks. She didn’t say anything, but the look on her face said it all. Catra could only stare at her expression of hope and trust and love, and she felt her face begin to mirror it. She knew she would have to add this little incident to the list of things she needed to make up for. And she would, she silently vowed. Even if it took the rest of her life.

They just stared at each other for a moment, a newfound gratitude blossoming between them after the other night’s scare. They were here. They were together. They were thankful for it. It was all that mattered to them. It was all that had ever really mattered.

“Hey,” Catra said softly. “When was the last time you slept?”

Adora gazed at her with tired eyes. “Before… everything.”

“So, you stayed up for the rest of the night and the next night and, what? Just watched me sleep?” Catra asked, a familiar teasing tone leaking into her voice.

Adora looked at her sheepishly and nodded. “Well… yeah.”

Catra smirked at her. “Geez, I know I’m attractive, Adora, but get a life.”

Adora finally smiled back, a real smile. “Well, Glimmer had to put a sleep spell on you and Entrapta was monitoring you for a while and I just… I needed to make sure you were okay.”

Catra’s lopsided smile widened. “Oh well if Entrapta was in here, it’s probably a good thing you kept an eye on her. I’m surprised Glimmer didn’t hit you with a sleep spell too.”

“Oh, she tried.” Adora said with a weak grin. Catra felt her heart light up at the sight of it.

She lay back down and patted the pillow beside her. “C’mon,” she said. “My turn to keep watch.”

Adora hesitated. “You sure you’re okay?”

Catra rolled her eyes, still smiling. “Yes. Adora, I’m fine and you’re exhausted. Now lay down.”

Adora did as she was bid and curled up as close to Catra as she could, resting her head on Catra’s shoulder. Catra wrapped an arm around her and began gently running her fingers through Adora’s loose strands of hair. Adora sighed contentedly and closed her eyes. “I’m here.” Catra whispered “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Adora grasped her tighter. Catra began to hum a soft lullaby and she felt Adora’s body begin to relax.

They hadn’t learned any songs in the Horde. None that weren’t soldiers’ songs, sung as the armies marched to battle. But sometimes, when they were children, they would hum made up melodies to each other when one of them was sick, or had awoken from a nightmare, or when they were too severely punished. Catra’s voice was different now, Adora thought, but it was still her favorite sound in the entire universe. Adora sighed and Catra hummed, and after a while, the only sound to be heard in the room was their soft snoring.

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, Melog is MVP. 
> 
> I thought about not posting this one cuz it got too dark, but then I was like, fuck it. I wrote it, maybe y'all will enjoy it. I just tend to go full dark when I go dark. 
> 
> This draws a lot from my own experience as a suicidal addict. Maybe some of y'all can relate. I'm basically just working through some amends through this fic. So you're welcome. And thank you.


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